I was head over heels for this guy. He was a musician. He was funny. He was popular. He had blue eyes. He was the life of any party. All the girls hovered around him. All the guys wanted to be his best friend. And yet, he wanted me. We met in Australia where I was an international student and he was on exchange. Home for me was Hong Kong. Home for him was America. Romantic huh.
Life seemed perfect with him. It really did. My life had a sound track: ‘forever young, I wanna be forever young’. I’m sure it had a filter too even though Instagram wasn’t born yet. We felt invincible. We were explorers in this vast world and yet, we found each other.
After semester ended we both headed home which is when I found out my father was suffering from cancer. I held on to my boyfriend for comfort and hope. We spent hours on Skype. Even miles away it felt like that Christmas was spent together. Gifts, Christmas cards, blankets, candles, puppies, snow. It was beautiful. I couldn’t wait till we’d be sitting together by the fire with hot cocoa, wrapped up together in our first Christmas as a married couple. A life where I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him ever again. So I wrote him this card. I foresaw the moment he’d read it; it would be a peek into the past, a reminder of how we started, a statement, a secret promise I made to him that we were gonna make this work despite our circumstances.
Needless to say we never got married and he never received the card. It’s been 4 years since we broke up. I’m now dating someone else. Someone I love even more. Not because life seems perfect with him (it definitely does at times but definitely not all the time) but because we fell in love and we’ve fought for each other through the distance. He fought for me. My ex didn’t. I don’t know where he is, what he’s doing. He’s had a girlfriend since me but I’m pretty sure that that’s over too. Is he happy? Does he miss me? I’ll never know. I don’t care to know though, although the 22 year old me is dying to know.
This card fell to the bottom of my box of memoirs. Had it fallen to the bottom because I had forgotten about it? Or was it there because I wanted it to be kept safe and secret? I don’t even know.
But here, now you can hold it and touch it. You can have it.
Merry Christmas baby. I write to you from the past, I do so in hope and with love (and some cheesiness) w/ the image of our first Christmas together as an official unit.
We haven’t been going out long but I wake up waiting eagerly for the mornings I will wake up with you. I go to sleep praying for you and us. Who knows what the future holds apart from God? So I commit you my darling to our creator, that he will watch over you this Christmas, that as we spend this special day apart he will work on us as separate, individual people. I pray for this year, that God will reveal his will and plan to you; that he will guide you into his amazing will. I pray you will go on crazy adventures with him; that you will grow into the person you were intended to be. You really are a special one, so incredibly talented and capable to make a difference in this world. May you bless those you come to and may they bring light into your life.
Thank you, for being my boyfriend. For being so open and vulnerable. You have surprised me, your patience, your honesty, your generosity & understanding really blow me away. I’m falling in love with you. I hope you know that.
As difficult as it’s been to be so far from you and to commit 100% to God, I am thankful for it too. God, I pray you strength us in this time. Jesus, you know our hearts, our needs & our desires better than we do so I ask you for strength, wisdom and peace for the trials ahead. I thank you for dealing w/ certain temptations for us that we have the assurance that we can’t make any mistakes this far from each other physically (remember the conversation we had this year?). God, may you use us, mold us, protect and provide for us. Amen.
Like all the cliched love songs & Christmas songs: I miss you, all I want for Christmas is you, I’ll have a blue Christmas w/o you. BUT! It’s all good! I believe in this and will have this message to prove for it. Love you (there, I said it first!)